The Carling Cup Has Her Revenge

Few things surprise me in the football world.

Seeing the Arse fans in the away section to my left celebrating; dancing, cheering, chanting after their win against a Tottenham reserve team (bar BAE, the only LB at the club), against half their outfield that started this years final (you can check if you like), was a genuinely surprising moment.

Was this the same competition that, for years, they'd poured scorn over, arrogantly and insolently derided, insulting the ticket paying public by putting out the under 17's against teams of hard-working and honest pro's of the football league, proclaiming at every turn that they were all representative of the future of English football, only for them to shrug and laugh when their team were eventually beaten by a side with enough quality and backbone to knock them out? It’s the Mickey Mouse cup, they’d all say the next day. We’ve got bigger fish to fry. After 6 potless years, they were clearly taking the Carling Cup VERY seriously, and oh how they lorded it up after their (extra-time) victory over OUR reserves, and following the literal song and dance they made over beating us, anything but winning the whole thing from that point would ensure the biggest of embarrassments.

Many have spoken of the scripted nature of Birmingham’s victory yesterday. One of those High School movie scripts where there’s a bird who looks good on the outside, but is actually a bit vapid and callow (Arse), and spends the entire movie ignoring and insulting the geek (Carling Cup). The epiphany moment comes when she realises that she’s actually not that special and sheepishly goes off grovelling to the geek for love. Even though she’s going out on a bit of a limb, she’s still thinking that all she’ll  have to do is show up, look pretty and the geek will embrace her. Her horror on learning that the not-so-hot bird, but with plenty of pluck and spirit (Birmingham) has claimed the geeks heart, leaves her crushed and embarrassed with nothing to do but reflect upon her own past arrogance and then wonder why the whole school (entire football watching public) are whooping and cheering as the geek and the not-so-hot bird stroll off into the sunset. OK, it’s no ‘Pulp Fiction’, but it made for some powerful theatre. People (me) spoke of a classic good triumphing over evil script when we beat chelski, and Birmingham’s win was no less just. The Carling Cup, victim of the most blatant disrespect from the arse over the years, had her revenge, and how sweet it was.

Wengers outstretched arms whilst wrapped up in his touchline sleeping bag, pat rice’s glum, useless, head shaking, wilshere’s tears, the devastated arse fans, Steven Carr’s roar, errant water bottles, paul mersons stupid face, fabregas and his come-and-get-me-barca look, sneezy and konkey and their ‘Danny Bakers Footie Gaffs’ moment, and the utter humiliation, usually the exclusive of THFC Plc, say more eloquently than I could ever hope to do, that this was a great day for football fans everywhere. Especially those in the blue half of Birmingham, who thoroughly deserved their moment of glory.

How To Create A Tottenham Transfer Rumour

Sports Journo 1: So what Tottenham talk have we got today?

Sports Journo 2: Hmmmm, some stuff about Alan Hutton being a bit violent and ‘arry getting the ‘ump about it.

SJ1: Boring. Any transfer stuff? We’re going to need something big for this Sundays edition, even if it’s cobblers.

SJ2: Well I haven’t heard anything, and I’m not going to pluck some nonsense out of thin air just to flog a couple of papers. I have some integrity you know…

…

…

Both: Hahahahahahaha.

SJ1: Nice one. But seriously, if there’s no Tottenham talk flying around, there’s only one thing to do.

SJ2: ?

SJ1: Consult the THFC transfer table.

SJ2: Not sure I’ve seen it. Gis a look.

Performance	Rumour	Value GBP
1 good game in Europe	Linked to the opposition	£10-20m
2 or more good games in Europe	Link with Real or Barca	£35-£50m
3 good games in PL	Report old 'top 4' are 'sniffing around'	£5-50m
5 good games in PL	Report old 'top 4' are 'preparing a bid'	£5-50m
3 months or more of good games in PL	Man U will bid in the summer	£30-50m

SJ1: Ah, where would we be without the THFC transfer table. Any time you’re stuck, just get this little puppy out and you’ll be golden.

SJ2: I dunno, those values are pretty variable. I mean, 5-50 mill for 5 good PL games. Seems a bit open to interpretation.

SJ1: Oh come on, you don’t think we’d leave anything to chance do you? It’s very simple. You need to reference each performance against age, speed and Britishness of the player.

SJ2: Example

SJ1: OK, if he’s slow, link him to an Italian club. Doesn’t matter which one. Juve, AC, Inter, Roma. They all sound exotic and believable. If he’s fast, link him to Spain or Man U.

SJ2: But what about Bale, he was linked to Inter and he’s fast?

SJ1: A variable. He has recent association with them, therefore they are obliged to be thrown into the equation.

SJ2: OK, I think I get it. So Sandro for example had one good game against AC, he’s not the quickest, but he’s young so I’d put him at about £15m. How did we come up with £10million?

SJ1: You forgot about the ‘Britishness’ factor. Not British so instantly knocks a third off his value.

SJ2: Wow, it covers everything. Give me one I can do on my own.

SJ1: OK, how about Luka Modric.

SJ2: Ooooh, tricky. OK, He’s been consistently good in the PL, he’s been good in Europe, and he’s young, so that instantly means I can only link him to Man U, Barca or Real. He’s not that fast, but he moves it so quickly, it’s like he’s faster than he really is. You’ve got to go for £50 million… But he’s not British so knock off a third and it’s £33ish… but I’m going to round up to £35 because he’s been here a few years so he’s built up a bit of Britishness by association.

SJ1: You’re getting the hang of this, £35 million seems reasonable but in order to make it a proper transfer rumour, we’ll need to narrow down the club. Who do you reckon?

SJ2: Hmmm, I’ll have to go with Man U.

SJ1: Good. Why?

SJ2: Just because they’ve got previous with Tottenham. Carrick, Berbatov. Plus he’s got PL experience and ol’ rednose loves a player who’s done an apprenticeship at Spurs… but I’m going to say that Barca and Real are interested in case he ends up there, then I can say ‘I told you so’ if he goes there. If I’m wrong, it’s not like I’m going to get pulled up on it!

SJ1: Correct. Now we need some quotes.

SJ2: God, this is HARD! I don’t have any contacts at Tottenham or Man U. I fear this story may never get off the ground.

SJ1: I don’t have any either, but it doesn’t mean we don’t have any sources.

SJ2: I don’t follow.

SJ1: *taps head* Here are my sources.

SJ2: OK, so we say that Fergie told us he’s after Modric?

SJ1: Christ no, do you want to get sued to buggery?! No, no, you go with the old classic ‘a source at the club’ OR ‘a source close to the player’. This works in 2 ways. 1) you make it sound like you’re well connected, and 2) you wind up both clubs who look internally to find out who might have spoken to us, and before you know it, you’ve got an angry denial or ‘hands off’ in a press conference and POW, it just got real up in dis bitch.

SJ2: Brilliant! But wouldn’t it be better for both clubs to just maintain a dignified silence. You know, if they ignore it then it’ll go away?

SJ1: It’s a good theory, but you have to remember that as soon as the fans see this on a Sunday morning, the fiendish way we’ve constructed the story with the solid fee, logical buying club AND quotes, they go loopy and instantly start tweeting and facebooking, coating off their own club for lack of ambition and assuming that this WILL happen. This in turn forces ‘Arry to come out and say things like ‘I wouldn’t sell him for 100 million’.

SJ2: But he wouldn’t, would he?

SJ1: Probably not, Tottenham are well run on a sound financial footing, and Man U have got a mountain of debt, but him actually saying ‘100 million’ has just written another headline for us. The fans want to know more so continue to buy our papers where we drip feed them more quotes, and before you know it, you’ve got a ‘transfer saga’.

SJ2:That is brilliant. Oooh, look at the time, we’ve only got 4 hours to get this written up.

SJ1: Bollocks, I’m off to the pub, it’ll only take 10 minutes. You coming?…

Black(pool) Tuesday- Get Yer Bibles, Crosses and Shotgun

Have you seen this Spurs fan?

Would you Bloom(field Road)in’ Charlie Adam ‘n’ Eve it? The simplest away trip of the season against opposition taylor made for our style, and we’ve gawn an’ nawsed it right up.

A week is a long time in football, as the old paraphrased cliché goes. Last Wednesday morning we were all top of the world having dished out a footballing lesson to a European Leviathan in their own back garden (or at least showed them how to put in a bit of effort), and now we find ourselves open to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous goal line misfortune. To be a Champions League side again, or not to be? That is a question for further down the line, because last nights defeat needs to be put into perspective.

Of course, there are those who will dust off their ‘END IS NIGH’ sandwich board, grab their bell and pull their trousers down to their ankles and set about walking the streets telling all who will listen that ‘WE’VE F**KED IT’. The more sartorially aware ones can be identified by their ground breaking statements such as ‘The world is round’, ‘we need a striker’, ‘oxygen is important’ and ‘Arry has shown his tactical awareness once again’.

I’m no advocate of hiding behind statistics, but a look at the goals we conceded, and even a handful of the chances we created; reveal a lot more than the 3-1 score line. But it’s the score line that matters and there are no points for possession, shots on goal, corners or even ‘shots what would have gone in if it weren’t for defenders doing their jobs and getting in the way’. All in all, it was a freak score line, but given our profligacy, the likes of which I have to say I’ve never seen, a fair result.

On a tactical note, I find it strange that Gallas was moved from the middle to the right for MIA Hutton, and why Bassong wasn’t asked to go over there and do a job for 90 minutes. I realise the logic can’t be fully applied, but wasn’t right-back basically where you put the div kid in Sunday league footy… I should know, I’ve played it enough times myself. Would it have been such a huge stretch to ask a professional defender to do a job there, rather than disrupt a successful CB partnership, especially given that Blackpool like to go through the middle and don’t play with out-and-out wingers? As I’ve said before, Harry watches these lads in training every day, and while many may not see him as a tactical wizard, if there is one thing you cannot fault him on, it’s common sense when it comes to our set-up… which only makes the decision more puzzling.

So what now? A long and frustrating wait until the Premier League redemption we spoke of yesterday while we nervously wait on the outcome of the games involving the teams around us… so it’s as you were. We had a chance to go clear but we didn’t take it. If last season taught us anything, it’s that one poor result will not be terminal to our ambitions and that Tottenham will lose when expectation is thrust upon them, and win when the odds are stacked against us. It’s just the way we roll.

Blackpool Away- Quite Important

I Guess ‘Important’ Would Be The Central Theme Here

Lap it up folks. Having struggled through a whole weekend without watching our Milan-conquering poster boys dispatch another quivering wreck of a Premier League defence, tonight is but a mere island in an ocean of no-bloody-Tottenham-related football, not the return to regular football dry land we might have hoped for. The North London Derby, pencilled in for this weekend, has been moved due to the wanderers’ previous commitments in the WI’s annual bake-off (or something with a similar gravitas), so another weekend of zen-like patience, or throwing ones weight firmly behind your second team is required… so let’s make the most of tonight.

The sums are simple. Win, and we go clear into third spot, having played the same number of games as City. Lose or draw, and chelski can send us back to 5^th by the time they walk off the pitch against manure next week. MarginsosmallIdaren’tevenusethespacebar.

Looking on the bright side, as tends to be the default setting for even the most battle-weary Totters fan these days, while others make a meal out of beating League 1 and Championship opposition by fielding weakened teams (then having the gall to complain about fixture congestion), we seem to be on an impromptu winter break of sorts, with our next fixture not until 6/3 after tonight’s Beano to the stag-capital of the country. There are a number of clubs who'd love a break like this, and Harry for one has been crowing about the need to get a few more bodies ready to be thrown once more into the breach. At the risk of repeating myself, a win against a team on the slide, with our rivals playing twice more before we take on Wolves, is what you might deem a key game. A win keeps the club buoyant and on the crest of the wave taking us beyond Milan and into the quarters of the CL, while a defeat leaves us 12 long days away from a potential Premier League redemption.

An important game, I guess, would be the main bullet point of this presentation…

As the injury whack-a-mole continues around the Lodge, VdV is now out, but Mods has popped back up to take his place. With Charlie out, the silence surrounding Hutton’s MIA has become deafening, so there’s talk of Gallas moving to RB, with Bassong in his stead. At the moment, Defoe couldn’t score in Faces, so I wouldn’t be surprised to see Krankie and Jenas coming in for Peanut and Sandro, with Crouchy continuing to fly solo up top again.

At the risk of sounding like another BBC gas bag, there has been a lot to admire about Blackpool this season, with Olly showing he's more than just a sound byte. I was sort of dreading him being thrust onto our goggle boxes at first; a tell-it-like-it is type with the capacity to amuse and annoy in equal measure. Like Neil Warnock but less tragic, just before the wig goes on, drag queeney looking. Aside from the odd miss-timed rant and threat of early season over-exposure, he's mostly been great value. I also gained a lot more respect for him after reading that on leaving QPR (I think), he took a break from the game and travelled around several European clubs, sitting back and watching the training methods they employed, which lead him to completely change his management philosophy: out with the long-ball and in with speed, possession and attacking intent.


Blackpool are not Blackburn or Sunderland. The theory suggests that a war of attrition will be the furthest thing from anyone's mind when the two teams take to the field, and that a team with a we'll-score-one-more-than-you attitude are perfect opposition for our likely lads, especially given our recent pomp. Prediction? Let's go for a 1-3. An early goal would be lush.

AC v Spurs- Exclusive Picture Exclusive (With Pictures!)

Tottenham won quite an important game of footers on Tuesday night, and to mark the occasion, I've got something a bit special lined up for you today.

For those of you not lucky enough to have been stationed 100 feet up in the heavens at the San Siro, or even have access to a juddery stream because it was yoga night for the missis and had to stay in with a sleeping baby and drink (responsibly) on my own, the brilliant MATTHEW CRAIG-GREENE (@mattcg) has drawn up a few highlights for your pleasure. I'm sure you'll agree that it's pretty much the same as having been there (probably better). If you're not following him on twitter, then pull yer fingers out and get involved.

After realising he's not really that good at football any more, Gattuso goes crazy-bonks after receiving a yellow card, meaning he has to buy the muffins for tomorrows training sesh AND gets banned for the second leg.



Robinho realises that in order to get past Aaron, he'll have to run a bit. 'F**k that' says Robby, 'he can do all that nonsense'. 



Lennons running causes defensive power houses Yepes and Nesta to fall over a bit, and the ball is squared for Peter Crouch to pop it in the score bag

Rejoice! Arise Saint Peter, for thou art King of Milan.



Ugly scenes at the end as Joe Jordan's face is broadcast across the whole of Europe. Not wanting to miss out on any of the fun, Rino begins speaking in the ancient and wisened tongue known as 'Scottish', where a fight inevitably ensues. Lucozade is no match for Super T's. Guess who was drinking what throughout?



In an attempt to steal our thunder, the goons contrived a narrow victory in the same manner as they contrived a draw last year. By getting hammered early and then scoring a couple of goals when Barca realised they were a lot better than them. To quote one of the better tweets I saw on the night in reference to the Arshavin 'winner', 'Fair play to Arsenal. That's the earliest consolation goal in Champions League history'. Indeed.

In other news and on a personal note, the club I always used to go and watch as a lad because I couldn't afford Tottenham tickets on paperboy money (do they still do £10 season tickets for under 15's?), Leyton Orient take on the goons at fortress Matchroom on Sunday. Need more reasons to support them other than being the next team who are playing the Woolwich Wanderers? The form team in the universe at the moment, The O's have gone from relegation fodder to League 1 play-off contenders in the space of 2 months. And if that wasn't enough and you're looking for a direct Tottenham link, a couple of our lads, notably young Belgian Paul-Jose M'Poku and 17-year-old goal machine Harry Kane, are currently on loan in East London, and will be a couple of names to look out for. Indeed, Kane came on as a 2nd half sub last weekend and bagged himself a brace. Not since the days of Matty Lockwood (think the League 1 Gareth Bale- BUT BETTER!) have the Orient fans had so much cause for optimism, and I'm sure you'll all join me in cheering this fantastic club on Sunday.

Oh yeah, and where's Alan Hutton?

San Heroes- Oh What A Night

HERO!

Is it really 3 weeks until we play them at home? God, this is going to be torturous.

Oh Harry, you wiley old fox. Who else was taken in by his ‘What’s a defensive midfielder? We ain’t got none of them so we’re probably just going to attack’? Me, for one. While our often tactically maligned leader was pedalling out his perfectly manicured salt-of-the-earth, just f**kin run about a bit, Mike Bassett caricature, a tactical master plan had already been hatched. There would be no sentiment over Niko’s recent heroics in the league, with Peanut preferred down the left for his work rate and extra cover provided to Benny, while Wilson and Sandro were deployed as our immovable hit-houses. Rafa to hold, Lennon to break and Peter to fight for every high ball. Even the substitutions had the kind of consideration of a brilliantly executed scheme, not often associated with Harry and his gang of backroom rogues.

No need for player ratings on this one, pretty much faultless to a man. Only Flamini, who should have gone for the ‘challenge’ on Charlie, covered more pitch than the excellent Crouch. His positioning, movement and experience in winding up the opposition, most notably the little dog, was a joy to behold, and the winning goal was a worthy reward for a man who slogged away all night and epitomised the ethic of this special side. To quote @therealtomscott from twitter ‘did Palacios travel to the San Siro in a DeLorean? It’s like he’s gone back 2 years’. Can’t say it better than that, all fears about one of his ‘dog chasing a car’ performances were allayed early as the man-wall he built with the equally outstanding Sandro, was a thing of pure seasoned European campaigning beauty. Not a yellow card between them speaks volumes about their professionalism.

Gomes pulled another worldey out when many feared he’d crumble like a biscuit. The whole back 4 were magnificent, and the one time they were beaten, it was correctly ruled out for a push on Michael Awesome. Yes, we can call him that again. Not bad for a Champions League (proper) debut. Lennon, for so much of the game did not receive the ball at any point without Antonini, or Yepes, or both, being within 5 yards of him as they laboured to try and nullify his threat. The one and only time he received the ball with space to run into, he devastated them with sheer pace, riding the cynical attempted challenge of the tortoise-like Yepes, and squaring perfectly for Big Pete to find the bottom corner. You know those moments in big games when you get one big chance? Taken.

And what of our opponents? Watching experienced pro’s turned into confused wrecks by our discipline, work rate and quality was a joy to behold. Gattuso’s extraordinary reaction to his booking followed several physical digs from Crouch throughout, as well as Joe Jordans verbals from the touchline. One of the most experienced midfielders in the modern game turned into a petulant child before our eyes and epitomised the meltdown of the Milan side. Compared to Crouch, Ibra Robby and Pato were an embarrassment to their famous old shirt, while the impotence of Seedorf, Gattuso and Flamini led to the disgraceful scenes we all saw at the end of the game. UEFA will take action and probably ban him for 5 games, and at this rate, they will be carried over to next season. Shame, I’d quite enjoy seeing him in the home leg.

I’m not counting any chickens here, but even if we’d lost the game, looking at their performance, I saw no danger they could pose at our place, unless Pirlo miraculously recovered and the forwards deferred from their sloth like work rate… which they won’t. This was no fluke. Out played, out thought and massively out fought, and heading for the quarters with another performance of that ilk.

That result was the best thing to come out of Italy since Gino Ginnelli. I cannot WAIT for the home leg.

Stranger Than Fiction- AC Milan Away

A bite-size Sunderland reaction first, as it’s already been done to death elsewhere, but I’m still delighted about the nature of our hard-fought victory which bodes well for tonight. Other than Niko’s match winner, the game was rather bereft of quality so a grinder of a performance was needed, and we duly delivered. It was like getting done early by a spinning-bird kick, then bludgeoning your way back into the fight with a series of straight-forward punches… with the winner being a nicely timed upper cut or something, and just doing enough for the victory. The team sheet before the game had me a bit worried with it’s lack of pace, and I’m sure I wasn’t the only one to recognise that Harry was taking a big risk by saving Lennon for Milan. Gamble paid off and a thoroughly excellent 3 points. I also found out I could do a modest power slide in my living room. Brilliant.

And so to the big one. Yes, the Premier League is the priority, but my fellow yids, this kind of fixture is the reason we clench our fists and cheer so vociferously at our 0-1’s and 1-2’s oop north, to satisfy our greater purpose. AC Milan away in the last 16 of the Champions League. In the mishegoss of what we’re plotting to achieve, just take a moment and let that play on your palettes. AC Milan. Champions League. There are fewer sexier adventures in the world of footy and our club is embarking upon it, and it would be almost churlish of us not to pause momentarily and let this pass without recognition. As much as I dislike Sky, their ‘trailer’ for our encounter makes me so bloody proud of our lads I could burst like a marvellous cynic-smashing balloon.

However, in the words of Winston Wolf: ‘let’s not start sucking each others dicks just yet’. There’s a job to get done, and quite a big one at that. AC Milan are a big draw because they’re quite good at football and have a few trophies to show for it, with a host of the worlds best ball kickers ready to parade around a few more this season. A glance at the Serie A table has our opponents 3 points clear at the top and fresh off the back of a 4-0 cake walk over struggling Parma, and they will be high on confidence. The puzzlingly maligned Ibrahimovic has settled back into his old home with his new employers quite nicely and has 13 goals to his name, with erstwhile Citeh whinge bag Robinho and Pato hot on his heels. There are weaknesses to be taken advantage of, not least with the ageing legs of their side. They are without their own metronome, Andrea Pirlo, with midfield raging bull Genaro Gattuso and former Totter KPB also crocked, leaving a potentially unterrifying prospect of Seedorf and Flamini for our lads to fight with in the middle.

Gareth Bale has become an almost Zorro like figure around European Football, his name being cautiously whispered by the powers that be after his exploits against AC’s city rivals Inter in the group stages, but unfortunately, their coach, whether just paying lip-service or not, recognises that our hopes did not rest on the young Welshman’s shoulders. While there is no understating young Gareth’s ability to change a game, our success has not been built around him, and his absence is a mere footnote to the news that Modric has been training and, despite Harrys attempted mind games, will almost certainly start alongside VdV and Wilson/Peanut (Jenas will be missed), with Lennon and Krankie to play wide and provide for our Lonesome Dove, Peter Crouch, who’s experience will be a key weapon (no foolies). I can’t see any other set up than this any more than I can see any of the back 5 from Sunderland changing.

Having played here already this season can only benefit us. No one will need to be reminded of the nightmare start we had in the group stages, when only a 2^nd half cruise control from Inter and a Bale finishing master class prevented us being on the end of a very embarrassing score line. Perhaps the absence of Bale might even aid our cause in shifting their focus to our depletion, while the stage is set for Lennon to have just as big an impact as the Welshman. Let’s hope all our lads saw what turning up for a big European night has done to rocket Gareth into the upper echelons of the game and give them the determination to emulate his achievements.

Apologies for the tired cliché, but our biggest opponents will be ourselves tonight. We’ve got the individual talent to match theirs, and a fair amount of experience gained this campaign already. A score draw would be a very good result, but a defeat by 1 would not be a disaster. Any more and you’d start to worry, but I fancy us against anyone at home. An away win would be incredible and not beyond the realms of possibility.

Arise, sons of Tottenham. Your time has come.