Spurs Something Something Riot and Sandro’s Out

Hello again.

Apologies for the extended silence, but as my Nan used to say: If you haven’t got anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. To adapt it slightly, nothing Tottenham related to stir the emotions leaves one writing a lot of rumour related nonsense that bores all involved… but then if that’s the attitude, perhaps I’m missing the point of all this Tottenham blogging stuff?

Blogging existentialism aside, there was one bit of Tottenham news from last week that peaked the interest. Unfortunately however, the news that Sandro won’t be putting on his tracksuit at the Lodge until mid-September wasn’t quite the rush of euphoria that us glum Hotspur window gazers were after. Quite the opposite in fact. With his central midfielding partner attempting a prison break from Chigwell Scrubs, the onus of being the talismanic tick-tocker was falling rather more rapidly than we would have imagined onto the shoulders of the young Brazilian. I’m sure I’m not the only one who was preparing my ‘the Croatian might have left, but at least we’ve got Sandro’ line, ready to be trotted out on the first day of term, now just over a month away.

We also started our pre-season off with a defeat against the Kaiser Chiefs. I’ll resist the temptation to do a pun on the band who go by the same name, mainly because I wouldn’t want anyone reading this to think I was cool enough to know any current bands or indeed the songs they play. They did the one about rioting yeah? I only saw the score line and eventually 20 seconds of SSN highlights, so am unable to pass any comment beyond this little snapshot, but the starting line-up was pretty horrible reading. Hutton, Jenas, Keane, Defoe etc. Is it 2007 again already? Seeing the names of these footballing slop tray botherers on a Tottenham team sheet is enough to make one self-harm. The shattering reality that these are people- one, if not all- will eventually be turned to at some point in this coming campaign requires medical intervention.

Elsewhere, there’s a lot of ITK hot air but no home-shirted transfer balloons to show for it. Mind you, in a world where Stewart Downing is worth 20 million of the Queen’s, I’d rather wait a bit longer.

Also, I think this lil’ ol’ blog is finally on newsnow. I haven’t had a confirmation email but I put that logo over there in the corner like they asked, but there was a moving image thing that I’m too technologically disabled to be able to work out… so greetings new visitors, if you’ve found your way here.

It’s Happening Again, Mummy

Alright, yeah?

Been away for the weekend, I do hope I haven’t missed anythi…

… oh my.

You want us to part as friends? I think I received a letter of similar sentiment from a bird once. Yes absolutely, jump into bed with the next door neighbour and all civilities will be maintained when I see you romping around in their back garden. No problem.

It’s easy to lash out at Luka, and while his comments certainly mean he should be on the receiving end of some very stern fist shaking gestures and ‘evils’, let’s not forget that it’s been our abject failure to finish in fourth place or recruit sufficient numbers of players who match his ambitions that have lead to this. The ITK’s have mentioned enquiries about Aguero, Rossi and Eto’o. A year ago, maybe this could have been passed off as good humoured drunken rubbish. This year it’s pure psychotropic trip-balls delusional fantasy.

At least Levy’s got the techies to copy and paste the same ‘you shall not pass’ message from a couple of years back. ‘’We will not be selling Dimitar Berbatov Robbie Keane Luka Modric for any amount of money. Unless of course, he throws his toys out of the pram, and when that happens, please make sure you have your least promising strikers available for loan and a blank cheque for the Tottenham Hotspur Foundation.’’

‘I thought you were different?’ Something else I’ve heard outside of a footballing arena, but this time, we all thought we’d reeeeeeeally got something made of sterner, loyaler, gooder stuff. As a top footballer, the least classy thing you can do is sign for Manchester City. The second least classy thing you could do is sign for Chelski. I think that might be the basis of at least half of my disappointment. A man I’d revered as not only a classy footballer, but a classy professional and human, suddenly revealing he has ambitions to play at Chelski. Like your missis turning round and telling you she’s leaving you for John Terry. To quote every drunk, dumped girl in the world ‘Why do I always fall for this type of guy?’ ‘Is it meeeeeeee?’ ‘It must be meeeeeeee!’ *weeps pathetically for hours*.

Nothing left but to sit back and watch it fizzle out to its inevitable conclusion. A crumb of consolation would be getting Sturridge thrown into the deal.

The new kits have arrived! I for one always like ‘Orgazmo’. On par with ‘BaseKetBall’, better than ‘Cannibal: The Musical’, not in the league of ‘South Park’ or ‘Team America’, but certainly a noteworthy addition to Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s film career. Nice one Spurs for giving it a bit of recognition. What can you say about the home shirt? It’s white with the badge on it. The re-inventing of the wheel will be at least another year then? The purple one which seems to be coming in for some stick is actually my favourite one, not least because it conjures up images of Sheringham and Klinsmann away at Sheffield Wednesday. Still not going to buy it though, this Plc have had enough money out of me for the time being thank-you-very-much.

Transfer Rubbish: Part 2 (of too many)

Cheeky bid

Can you believe it! Can you ACTUALLY believe it…

The Goonies want Defoe! News this morning from reputable outlets such as the BBC gossip column and some bloke paid by the letter to produce content for FootballRagAndBone.com has the Faces promoter being the answer to scoring more goals down at the Sticklebricks Stadium. Can you imagine Defoe and Walcott in the same side, trying desperately to assist each other putting the round thing in the netty thing? The image of two penguins trying to read a tube map springs to mind. It’s the sort of thing I’d feel bad wishing upon them. But I will.

Oh yeah, and apparently Chelski have lodged a ‘bid’ of 22 million doubloons for the contractual release and services of Luka Jeremiah Lazarus Poseidon Leotard Modric. I say ‘bid’, as it reminds me of the time I found myself at a charity auction for outrageously self-important types, and put in a blind bid of about twenty quid for a two week holiday in Mauritius, just so it looked as if I wasn’t there for the free booze. You never know, maybe nobody else would notice and I’d walk away with the prize? Turns out it went for several hundred times more than that. Or it could mean that perhaps today is some sort of Russian equivalent of April fools.

On the other hand, this could be great news for us, with some sense finally being restored to the transfer market. It will mean that we’ll be free to go and bid 5 million quid for Torres and Sturridge in return, while comfortably having enough left over to buy Suarez and Carroll for 8. Viva la Revolución!

OK, let’s go for a newsnow lucky dip, I’ll be 2 minutes…

…Ah, that’s a shame. Woody released (chortle. guffaw). We’ll always have Wembley *wipes away single tear*

Berbatov back to Spurs when Ashley Young deal is done. We’re doing that again are we?

Something about Harry eyeing up £7m prospect. No sir, you will not have my click.

Well that was depressing. More bleating than a shearing shed over on twitter so I’m off to tell everyone I’ve got a snout in Leicester who’s seen Heskey having lunch with Levy. Toodles.

Stand Up For Martin Jol

Picture courtesy of @mattcg. A link to his Spurs pictures blog is just over there, top left. 

White Hart Lane, Thursday 25^th October 2007. Not four years have passed, but a night so fabled, it already feels like part of Tottenham folklore. The tale of the manager who sat on the bench presiding over his sides 2-1 home defeat to Getafe, the whole ground singing his name as the news began to filter through the cold, huddled collective that the dead man walking had finally keeled over. Sitting on the bench, managing his team, unaware of what everyone else knew. He had been publicly sacked, but there he was, the dignified Dutchman still playing away on the deck of his own sinking vessel, still focused on trying to steer his crew to victorious waters. ‘Stand Up For Martin Jol’, roared the crowd. They did. To add further insult, none but a certain Bulgarian delivered the confirmation; putting his arm around his shoulders after the final whistle and said ‘sorry boss’. Only then did the penny drop for Big Martin Jol.

The courting of Juande Ramos in the lead up to the climactic, and very public, shoeing of BMJ was perhaps the biggest source of shame for us fans; seemingly able to bear the weight of years of under achievement and poor management at every level, but ashamed to see those entrusted with the running of our club treating a man, who had always conducted himself with the utmost grace under fire, so shabbily. We are our club, and our club had just done something that reflected very poorly on us, the blind followers of said institution. Tottenham publicly humiliated the big, cuddly man with the funny accent on live TV, therefore all Tottenham fans are the types who mug old ladies and slash wheelchair tyres. It wasn’t something that sat comfortably with anyone associated with the club.

Affable, honest, no-nonsense- an adopted Englishman and a true Tottenham man we could all relate to, the outpouring of sympathy for the big man was as justified as it was blinkered. The two fifth placed finishes held up in isolation sound impressive, especially given that the first one was a lasagne and a decent away showing away from being a fourth placed, possible UCL qualifier, but things began to slide from there. Unable to recover from the setback, the following seasons 5^th placed finish was nowhere near as impressive, never challenging for fourth, and several poor results were compounded when a classy, Ramos led Sevilla side came and danced around us in the UEFA Cup, exposing the gaps in BMJ’s tactical armoury.

The writing was on the wall from there. Levy had seen how far behind the best that the UEFA Cup had to offer we were, never mind the Champions League, and knew that a change was needed. Terrace support for Jol was generally very good, but a few knew that, deep down, he wasn’t quite good enough to take us to the next level and keep us there. It was obvious to Levy for a long time, and although the means in this case were particularly mean, the removal of Jol was necessary in the pursuit of Champions League football.

There are 3 moments from the reign of BMJ that stick in my memory, and in a way, encapsulate all you need to know about his time at Tottenham.

1)      Going toe-to-toe with Wenger as the Frenchman bleated about a ball that should have been put out of play while one of their lot was down with some sort of ‘injury’. ‘I DID NOT SEE IT’ yelled Jol in the face of the exasperated Wenger. Ironic, grizzly and unmoved. The traits that made him so popular.

2)      Tainio picking up a second booking in the home leg against Sevilla, fouling his opponent who continued rolling once hitting the deck. Tainio then walked after him, making sarcastic rolling motions with his arms to emphasise the dive, but like his manager, had no other answer to the wiley foreign invader than to gesticulate impotently.

3)      Daniel Levy smiling in the Old Trafford stands as we were on course for another annual beating at the hands of Manchester United. ‘This’ll make the whole firing business a bit easier for me’, he appeared to say. Or maybe he was thinking about something funny his mate had said earlier. Either way, it’s an enduring image from Jol-ey’s final domestic outing in the Tottenham tracksuit.

Following his appointment to the Craven Cottage hot seat this morning, there isn’t a Spurs fan out there who won’t be wishing him all the very best, and any Fulham fan looking for a reference from a terrace trotter won’t need to look too far for a glowing one from any of our number. I can guarantee you his commitment to the cause, a hugely likeable man and the odd ‘darling’ to any ladies in the studio. A charmer and a gentleman. Just don’t expect any tactical master classes.

Barely a home game goes by where a member of the double side isn’t trotted out for a mumbled monologue and bit of a wave- great men, but representative of a different time that I and an increasing majority weren’t around to enjoy. I remember Martin Jol fondly, and despite his flaws and the inevitability of his departure, I’ll be looking forward to welcoming back with an ‘apologies on behalf of the club BMJ, we all still really like you’ type applause.

Stand Up for Martin Jol

Transfer Rubbish 2011 Part One (of too many)

What-ho!

Goodness me, we’ve only just got our noses through June’s door, and there’s already been enough chatter, hot air, Chinese whispers and laughable embellishment to make a WI sewing circle blush.

From non-descript forums telling us that some bloke from Bolton has been placing ‘five-figure sums’ on ol’ ‘arry to be the next numero… one at Stamford Bridge, to translation with a slant from Croatia’s Premier daily rag (It’s a Croatian newspaper! Luka is Croatian! It MUST all be true! Why would they lie?!) that Modders will be clearing his locker at The Lodge and leaving fruit baskets for all the pals he can’t wait to run away from, we’ve had some lovely stuff to contemplate, cogitate and digest in the form of micro-blog twit poo’s. *In John Anderson off Gladiators voice* Angry tweeters! You will spew forth on my first whistle. Pragmatists! You will attempt to add reason to proceedings on my second whistle. The rest of you, respond like residents of South Park being asked your opinion on the town’s flag (too obscure???). Three, two, one…

On the Harry stuff, I had an eye witness account from INSIDE Tottenham, that the day prior to all the odds tumbling, Harry had a meeting with ‘Dan’. I am THAT well connected! Not the most sizzling ITK you’ll ever here, but nonetheless, there was confirmed contact, which started the rusty head cogs turning once all the rumours started coming out. Transfer targets or managerial future being the main discussion? As long as it wasn’t anything to do with selling Luka. If it was, I’d like to think of it as being item uno on the agenda, under the title of ‘Things to avoid doing if we want to sell any tickets next year’. Just waiting on newsnow for the lazy, Championship Manager overdose inspired ‘Berba plus cash’ headlines to start. *Checks newsnow. Dies*

Elsewhere, the codneys at FIFA have done it again. It was a nail biter wasn’t it? Was he going to win by 180 votes to nil, or 181 votes to nil? I couldn’t take my eyes off it. Also, BBC, corruption in FIFA is a very legitimate and worthy use of half an hour of prime time viewing, but if you’re going to do investigative Panorama exposés into it, how about you spare us the tourettes riddled old buzzard and employ somebody with a little more presence and reason than a mad uncle. Cheers yeah.

So has Brad Freidel signed then? I can’t bear to look on the official site to check, lest I get ambushed by the endless ‘Opening New Daws’ or ‘Will To Win For Gallas’ headlines that will inevitably cause instant ear haemorrhaging. Not the marquee signature we’re all longing for but a solid edition, knows the English game, other generic ‘looking-on-the-bright-side’ related comment. Welcome.

Hotspur High End of Term Report: The Strikers

Where to begin with this lot? Not so much 4-4-2 or 4-5-1, as yep-yep-bleurgh this year, as this feckless lot have continued to disappoint. Blackpool away was a good example of decent strikers missing a lot of chances. The rest of the season is testament to their lack of intelligence in even getting into positions they’d almost certainly miss from anyway. Not that they’re entirely to blame for missing out on the top 4 of course, but it’s hard to imagine a less fruitful bunch of bananas.

Robbie Keane

I got into WHL early for our game against West Brom. As a result, I was privy to a bit more of the pre-match jumbotron build-up than the usual ‘quick dash from the juicer in time to catch the starting line-ups’. They were showing highlights from I’m not sure when; 02/03 I think, when we apparently done the double over West Brom, including a 3-2 (again, I think) victory at home where there was a lad in a Tottenham shirt running about, full of vim and brash confidence, bashing the goals in for fun. It’s a shame that I had no recollection of this Robbie Keane. I saw a banner at White Hart Lane saying ‘come back agent Keane, your work is done’ once the Spammers relegation was confirmed. An object of whimsy, but one would have to suspend belief that he had either the mental capacity to handle such a mission, or that he was faking his own rubbishness in order for it to work as a legitimate gag. He doesn’t, he wasn’t and it fell flat. Well done Robbie, you had the chance to prove you were still able to do a job in the Premier League and that there was life in the old dog yet. You just ended up looking like an old dog.

Verdict. Please go away forever.

Jermain Defoe

I don’t understand it! Jermain comes in to training EVERY DAY, and then despite not scoring a goal in almost a full calendar year, he isn’t automatically put in the starting eleven! I just can’t f***in' fathom it! I’m as confused as you Jermain. Born offside and shredded my last nerve this season. If he was ever going to be any good or do anything special in the game, he’d have done it by now, or at least shown signs of threatening to be very close to it. Another example of a player who felt like they ‘made it’ when they came to Tottenham and subsequently coasted by on 'instinct'. At best, he’s a little bit thick. At worst, the personification of the winning mentality retardation classically rife throughout the Lodge. For the right mentality, Modders and Sandro, for example, have ‘it’. Jermain has ‘not it’.

Verdict. Jermain Defoe would be wise to stay out of Mr Levy’s garden.

Peter Crouch

I like Peter, I really do. I get the impression that he’s quite a bright chap, and have always found his pre/post match comments to be generally well thought out and considered. As for the on pitch stuff, his performance away at AC Milan was near perfect- patient, strong, disciplined and a thoroughly deserved winning goal to boot. His performance at Real Madrid when we needed all those qualities and more was devastating. In the middle of all that are a lot of rather same-ey performances in the Premier League. Having a forward who can’t shoot for toffee needs to have something pretty special in their armoury to justify their place in the side, and while ‘special’ is rather ambiguous, he justifies his place in the squad, if not the starting eleven.

He’s committed, generally intelligent with his movement, a help in his own defence and always demands attention in the oppositions. For the amount of money you could hope to recoup versus his potential usefulness from the bench, I’d keep him.

Verdict. The only one of this lot you could guarantee a shift from. Europa League line leader and Premier League odd-job man.

Roman Pavlyuchenko

Some might say the decision of whether to keep Pav or not was made all the more difficult following his performance against Birmingham. I'd argue that it's exactly the reason that he needs to be replaced. I'll say this now- he is the best striker at the club by a long way. On his day, hands down the cleverest, sharpest and most gifted of all of them. It might not be saying much, given his peers, but I'd also argue that at his best, he's one of the best in the league. But therein lays the problem. For every half of football that he had against Birmingham, there are 10 games where he's off the pace, hopelessly sloppy and wanders around like a spooked kitten on bonfire night. Having watched him a lot, I don't buy the myth that he's simply lazy. His movement into the channels and willingness to find a bit of space are generally very good, but with Pav, you only ever need to see his first couple of touches to know whether he's going to have a good game or a bad one. I remember Hiddink, when he was in charge of Russia, saying that he only needed to look Pav in the eye on the morning of the game to know if he was up for it or not. Even Harry, after Pav's brace at the weekend said that he's been watching a couple of forwards in France, and that none of them looked as good as Pav did on Sunday. You can bet your bottom dollar that he wanted to add something along the lines of 'but on other days I see lads down Hackney Marshes that would blow him out of the water'. I know you were thinking it, Harry. You'd have been right as well.

Verdict: 10% inspiration, 90% being mentally capable enough to engage 'game face' on every match day. I'm afraid 10% isn't enough to justify a place in a squad that's being slowly built around a 4-5-1.

Hotspur High End Of Term Report: The Middlers

Continuing last week’s largely pointless and subjective overview of our defendonauts, it’s time to move onto the middlebots. A collection of chaps who’s opta stats might look slightly more handsome if they were setting things up for striketrons whose CPU’s hadn’t been fried by excessive hot air blowing and the really bright strobe lights of Faces. Same format; a horribly skewed and stunted analysis, followed by an ill-conceived verdict on their futures. Begin.

Aaron Lennon

Rumours abound that he’s pining for the North following a breakdown in relations with the gaffer. As for the year’s on-field contribution, a few great moments but he’s certainly more often under, rather than over whelmed, and questions have begun to be asked, quite rightly, about his level of progression. On his day, he’s one of the best. A true get-bums-off-seats-in-excitement-er. Off it, there are a number of spectacular shuttle runs to the halfway line, followed by a tap back to his RB.

Verdict: Clear-the-air talks and get him fit and motivated again. Keep.

David Bentley

Yeah. That one didn’t really work out did it? A winger with no pace needs to have an incredible passing ability and an almost telepathic reading of the game in order to justify their place. He has neither. Probably a decent lad but daft as a brush and sadly just not good enough.

Verdict: I’d snap yer ‘and off for six million

Giovani Dos Santos

There’s a reason why Barcelona let him go ya know. Was stand-out terrible in the very poor Carling Cup defeat after appearing to have spent all day in the juicer.

Verdict: Enjoy life back in Spain or whatever.

Wilson Palacios

I still remember his debut- the 0-0 draw at home to the arse. Spurs had been without a defensive minded midfielder in so long it appeared as though the game was being re-invented before our very eyes, as he hassled and hurried the bewildered visitors and kept his passing simple. He was an instant hero. Sadly for Wilson, we’ve evolved quickly, and the expectations placed on our current DM’s goes beyond simply running about and making a nuisance of yourself. He needs to pass concisely, pick the pockets on the opposition, tackle while remaining upright and chip in with the odd surging run and goal. His name is Sandro. He was brilliant away at AC Milan, but when asked to come in as part of the squad rotation, he’s struggled badly in the league.

Verdict: Needs to play regular football to be effective. If the right money comes in, then best of luck Wilson, I’ll always remember your debut.

Sandro

Bigger, faster, stronger. Darwin’s theory of evolution incarnate. He can do it all. I take my hat off to the club employee who spotted him and the other one that made sure we got first dibs on him and done that tie-in deal thing with his Brazilian club. He is truly a Braziliant prospect.

Verdict: (joint) First name on the team sheet next season.

Luka Modric

And he’s the other one. Superlatives fail me when trying to encapsulate the grace with which he glides around the pitch, turning away effortlessly from the lesser mortals who attempt to drag him down. The best player at the club by a country mile, and at the centre of everything we do that’s good. Balance and poise, the likes of which I’ve never seen.

Verdict: More valuable than whale tears. Don’t even think about it…

Jermaine Jenas

I’m no Jenas hater, and the whole debate about what he offers has been done to death. Nothing I say will be new to anyone who’s read a Tottenham blog in the last 6 years, so I’ll just concentrate on the positives and say he’s a willing lad and offers a bit of energy on his better days.

Verdict: Time to move on. Your work here is done.

Steven Pienaar

I feel sorry for Steven, who joins a long list of Tottenham players who’ve thought they signed as central midfielders, happen to be left footed, and are then constantly deployed on the left wing. Off the top of my head; Steed, Luka (before Harry came to his senses) and Niko have all suffered this fate.

Harry: I see you’re left footed Steve. Good, we need cover on the left wing.

SP: Oh. Well, yeah, I’m happy to muck in, but you know I’m an energetic but essentially defensive minded central midfielder don’t you?

Harry: Yeah, definitely, and a trific one at that, but, you know, we don’t ‘ave that many left footers at Spurs, so play your cards right and you could make that left wing your own.

SP: Well that’s nice to know but I am a central midfielder by trade and would prefer to fight for my place th…

*ring ring*

Harry: ‘old on Steve, that’s San’. Stupid cow wants to make me nut cutlets for dinner.

Ol’ ‘arry won’t stand for that saaaahhhhhhhnnnnnnn. OY! Joe! Get Stevie whipping in those crosses with that left wand of ‘is. Trific.

SP: *sighs*

And so on. The snap judgements by a number of fans of a player who’s still settling into his new club and being asked to play out of position are, in short, staggering. For anyone who’s watched him prior to his signing for Tottenham, they will know what a top class performer he has been for Everton these past few seasons and is, in my opinion, a great piece of business. If you need more convincing, the argument that he basically negates the need for Jenas to take up a squad place should be more than enough!

Verdict: Keep

Tom Huddlestone

Unfortunately, injuries have put paid to any meaningful contribution this year from everyone’s favourite ketchup fiend. Still an integral member of the Hotspur fraternity.

Verdict: Keep

Rafael Van der Vaart

Transfer of the season. Our market activity has been somewhat uninspiring fare over the last year or so, but thanks to a dodgy fax machine and some sweet talking, and despite a slightly worrying post-Christmas dip in form, at 8 million quid, the Dutchman has been a great piece of business. He went from being a ‘where do you play him?’ to a first name on the team sheet in a matter of weeks and there’s a lot more to come from him after a bit of well earned r&r, a full pre-season and getting a centre forward partner that has a brain. Exciting.

Verdict: Ooooooooooooh yes.

Niko Kranjcar

Like his fellow right-backing countryman, and even David Bentley to some extent, I just feel the days of an unaggressive but technically gifted fringe player are on the wane. Niko’s a throw-back to some extent- languid and mercurial at times but lacking that fire in the belly to come on and turn a game. Seeing him ousting Mod, VdV, Sandro or Thudd to become a regular starter takes a leap of faith, given Harry’s reluctance to use him on a regular basis. A real shame and a failure from the management more than Niko, but the reality is that he won’t ever be given the run in the side that his quality deserves, therefore never reaching the heights I’m sure he’ll scale somewhere else.

Verdict: Would love to keep him, but a decent fee is the best we’re going to get out of this one.

Andros ‘don’t call me Andy’ Townsend

Saw him on loan at the Orient a couple of years back and wasn’t overly impressed. Saw him play against Charlton and certainly was. Make him a regular starter in the Europa and the Carling Cup. Pacy, fearless, direct and can deliver a cross. Useful.

Verdict: More first teaming next term.

Gareth Bale

He’s like the Welsh Ryan Giggs! Lilywhite-tinted specs off for this one. He’s had 1.5 blinding games this season, a whole handful of very ordinary ones, and another smaller handful where he’s been pretty good but we were told he was brilliant because of the 1.5 blinders. Perhaps I’m just being contrary as a retaliation for all the Bale-issimo mania we’ve all had to sit through, but there’s no hiding from the fact that the boy has got a LONG way to go to be mentioned in the same breath as Giggs. If we can keep him fit and able then he’s devastating, but the kids not 22 and he’s spent half his career on the treatment table. His back is an issue, and while modern fitness, physio and surgical regimes are all impressive, I have an awful feeling he’ll always struggle for any sort of consistency. We just need his hamstrings to go and then we’re really lumbered… and that’s not to mention his ankle that went quite sickeningly from under him, so let’s add ligament damage (which was clearly the result of not being 100% fit from his previous injury) to that list and we’ve got quite a worrying long-term picture for the lad.

Reports today suggesting that Harry will sit down with Gareth to talk through a potential mega-bid from Manchester City, because, apparently, Harry ALWAYS discusses any potential move with his players due to his man-management style and their ‘special relationships’. Yeah right, can you imagine him having a sit-down chat with Luka if Man United came in with a £50m offer? Would he f**k. He’d quite rightly reject the offer out of hand. My feeling is that the club know Bale is perma-crocked and that now represents the best time to sell.

Verdict: Honestly, if silly money came in that meant the difference between an ordinary forward or a top-drawer one, I’d take it.