Just What We Swan-ted

Oh yes, I do word play too.

Like an estate agent trying to convince you to part with more money than you’re comfortable with, I’m here to tell you that the ‘green shoots’ of recovery have poked themselves through the wasteland of our March into the abyss. While all 3 evaded us at the Bridge, seeing the players trotting out with those most precious of commodities; a plan, and a clue; was a welcome relief, and Tuesdays professional looking job against the veiled Trotters was another step on the road to redemption.

We looked like the side we were at the start (not the VERY start, obviously, but post-Parker) of the season. The ability to pick off sides who came to stubbornly sit down on the goal line and not budge. It was the anti-Stoke performance, which was a horrible watch. Like going back in time… and not in a cool way, like going to the Enchantment Under The Sea dance, more like going to Jurassic Park when pea-brained monsters dicked over Attenborough’s fancy gizmo’s and human brain technology. That sort of thing.

As for Swansea, I don’t believe they’re capable of being horrible, and could be the perfect opposition for a Spurs team clawing their way back to form; a side that will come and play football. Brendan Rogers strikes me as a smart and hard nosed chap, but The Swans are set up to play; not usually a recipe for cooking up 3 points for an away side with a reservation at the White Hart Bistro. Owen Coyle, in charge of Burnley a couple of years back, was renowned for playing football despite the size of the opposition. We won that one 5-1. Pardew had sniffed too many fumes and begun to believe his ‘realistic candidate’ England manager talk to the extent that he sent out his rag tag mob to go toe-to-toe with what we had. He was wrong. This is why teams don’t come to the Lane to play football. Brendan Rogers will know this, but I can’t realistically see him having the personnel or the  wit to out do what we’ve got. Send the Lilywhites out with a plan of action and we should win this one at a canter.

4-1 to the Spursers.

Tottenham Do Football Good Now

You slaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag

I've seen some shambles in my time, but the trip to woolwich, the limp-wristed efforts against manure, and last weeks bungle in toffeeland will take some beating. Saying that we've lost the plot recently would be a tad generous. It implies there was a plot line to be followed in any of these games, other than 'let's throw 11 footballers onto a pitch and hope they're better than the other lot'. Is that a plot? It's a really crap one if so. If it was a soap, it would be the equivalent of sending out a bunch of actors to shout at eachother until a storyline developed.

Basically, we were EastEnders.

We should at least be aiming to be 'The Bill', or something of equal calibre. Is 'The Bill' even on any more?  Either way, we were rubbish, and Harry's exasperated lamentations on how we didn't manage to win a game we were clearly so terrible in last week smacks of a man desperately trying to deflect attention from his rapidly fading allure, and recapturing his lustre of a month previous, when all and sundry had effectively clubbed together to make his 'Harry Redknapp- England Manager' gold plaque, and hang it on his Wembley office wall. I wonder how many 'We want you to staaaaaaaaaaaaay's we'll hear tomorrow?

Bolton then, and even the 'let's throw 11 footballers onto a pitch and hope they're better than the other lot' should work, like it did against Stevenage, purely because Bolton aren't very good at football. However, what would be even better, and just because I'm a fan of watching my team look like they've been dosed up with 'clue medicine', would be to see us set up with a plan of how we're going to go about winning. Even nicer would be to know that if Plan A doesn't work, that we'll have the wherewithal to try something other than wing switching and doing 'hoofs' up the line to their full backs. It's not exactly moon on a stick stuff, just a decent formation and properly instructed ball kickers.

Let's start doing football properly again.

You Know It’s A Special Kind Of Terrible When You Make Rosicky Look Like Ronaldo

Remember playing left? Good, get back there.

Dear oh dear, where to start with this shambles? It’s a game many of us, including yours truly, just couldn’t see us losing. Where was their threat going to come from? Aside from the Dutchman, what on earth could they possibly have to hurt us with? Walcott, Arteta and Rosicky? Is that it? I laugh in the face of your strongest midfield personnel mr frenchie, you think that lot can out-work and break through Parker and Sandro? Oh, Sandro isn’t playing? Oh well, he must be injured. He isn’t? Oh well there must be a bloody good reason why he’s not there though. Still, there’s enough in the middle to handle that. 4-4-2? Ooooh, is it the 70’s again already? How retro.

0-1-          Great start. Haha, look at Sneezy trying to get it! Look at his Rick Astley hair. He’s funny. Maybe 4-4-2 has a future?

0-2-          Christ, how has this happened? We’re getting over run and playing pretty poorly. Thank jiminy for Modders who’s doing everything. Oh well, that’s what good teams do isn’t it? 2 up away from home and playing far from vintage stuff. Shouldn’t that have been a red card? Meh, we’ll walk this anyway. Just wait ‘til we get going, this could be a memorable pasting. Emotionless celebrations. Getting the job done.

1-2-          Yeah, least they’ve deserved, really.

2-2-          Hard to argue with that. We’re probably a bit lucky it’s level to be honest.

HT Subs- Oh. Sandro. Why weren’t you on from the start? And Rafa, 4 in 3 against this lot, big game player, you’re fit too? OK, well this is a bit more like it, let's sweep that mess under the carpet and start again. That rocket they’ve had at half time and something approaching correct personnel should see us home now. Let’s just hope we haven’t lost all momentum and 15 minutes is enough to set this team up with proper instructions.

3-2-          Is that Ronaldo, here on loan in a red shirt? Oh no, it’s Tomas Rosicky, we just seem to have lost the ability to track runners or remember how to follow instructions. Anyone got any dosh to buy this lot a naffing clue for the rest of the game?  Sort it out, we’re better than this, and we’re better than this lot as well.

4-2-          Walcott? Seriously?

5-2 -     Walcott? Seriously?

Some other observations that I can’t be bothered to construct paragraphs out of. Gareth- stop reading your own press, get out on the left and stay there. Harry- relay those exact instructions to him, please, and take some of it on board yourself… about the press I mean, not playing out left. Oh, and NEVER play 4-4-2 EVER again. It’s outdated, prehistoric and simply embarrassing to think that you can pick your way through an albeit shoddy, but technical midfield 5. You’ve been brilliant for us, nobody could argue that, but your selections yesterday had us on the back foot from the start and cost us a routine victory. We went 2 up, you say? We lost by 3 because there was zero cohesion from start to finish in a game that we should have comfortably won.

A 13 point gap would have sent us into next week’s home dust up against United with a bit of swagger and knowing that the dropping of a couple or even all 3 points wouldn’t have been a disaster. As it is, tightened up and desperate for all 3, we could find ourselves with just a 4 point cushion as the wanderers and chelski have very winnable games. Let’s not let this derail or detract from what has been a fantastic season, and respond in a manner befitting the overall pattern of the campaign. They’ll only beat us if this one performance paves the way for an embarrassing collapse. Let’s not let that happen.

Ten Reasons Why Spurs Will Beat The Woolwich Wanderers on Sunday

1)      Better players.

2)      Better form.

3)      A greater sense of belief and purpose.

4)      It’s not like we’re playing someone with any sort of clue, like Stevenage. It’s the Woolwich Wanderers for gawd sake. Did you see them against AC Milan? The same team we betrayed our principles (Lol-sickles) to outplay and beat last year, so how bad must they be?

5)      We’ve got VASTLY more attractive players. Gareth has such a pleasant face and lovely hair, and has anyone seen Niko recently? Dreamboat! Sagna, Gervinho, Wilshere? Shipwreck. At least we’re spared Jack fat-tongue and his incessant lolling. I mean, honestly, what does it say of our quest for a greater quality of visual entertainment when we’re being force fed images of these orc’s? No wonder that frenchman’s depressed. I’d be pretty hacked off if I had to come into training every day to be faced by team after team of ugly, ugly, footballers. You can have Bentley back if you like. He’s not much of a player but his grooming regime is faultless.

6)      Any Wanderer you speak to has this down as a ‘save our season’, or at least ‘pivotal’. Hear that? It’s the sound of straws being frantically grasped.

7)      Their vocal support. They make a right din in that place, I tell you. Bloody deafening. Eboue, Arshavin and Chamakh can all testify to the noise they make. They’ll give you the booing of a lifetime and make no mistake. Where’s that booing coming from? Lego block Stand? That one with the heated seats and a clock? Upper tier? Lower? Oh man, it’s so loud, the boo’s are everywhere! But wait; is that the sound of some support breaking out?

No.

No, it isn’t.

Never.

8)      Our water bottle management is significantly more impressive. Day one at Spurs Lodge:

Item 1: Welcome to Spurs

Item 2: Always screw your caps back on to your water bottle, post-hydration, lest you look like a massive tit box should you ever need to throw it down in anger.

Item 3: NEVER mess with Sandro.

9)      We have Sandro. Even if he’s not fit, and even if we somehow manage to conjure up defeat, he’ll roundhouse kick the scoreboard into submission until it posts a huge Spurs victory. After it’s humiliating pummelling, the scoreboard will then cry electronic tears all over the crowd, and all the wanderers will drown in cyber water, while Sandro’s body hair woven life raft will safely float all Spursers home to beautiful, beautiful N17 (aka Eden). Either way, victory is certain.

SANDRO IS HARDER THAN EVERYONE

10)  While we’re discussing which of Europe’s finest will be joining our playing and management staff this summer, they’re running blogs on whether Francis Coquellin is an adequate replacement for Kieran Gibbs, and let’s not forget the hard-hitting PAT RICE: SPECS OR CONTACTS? YOU DECIDE.

      11) We’re much cleverer.

What a FA’Cup

Not really, no disaster at all, we came up against a bunch of determined men probably playing the most glamorous fixture of their careers. Besides, our reserves used to play there, a lot of Spurs support in the local area, let’s try and give them a break… not like, lay down, but, you know, just maybe not try a million percent at all times. Who said ‘fix’? Because I certainly didn’t. Jesus, you lot need to leave it out with your 9/11 style conspiracy theories and get real. This is Football, not… a… bloody… Bronx Tale.

Now we’ve well and truly dealt with any of those nagging doubts you’ve been having about the result, Harry isn’t usually a man to over think things, but he probably got it a bit wrong with that 5-3-2 stuff. The guy knows the FA Cup, and he knew that with a pitch fit for monster trucks, Somme re-enactments or rugby, that Stevenage would probably try to hit ‘em high and generally be a bit physically pesky. If our plan was to deal with this then I see the logic, but perhaps being 50-odd places higher in the league standings and playing some delicious stuff, we might want to have let them worry about we could do instead? Also, perhaps someone more learned than I can explain why that goal was chalked off? My understanding is that Parker would need to have influenced the outcome of that attack. Not sure that had he not been there for the ball to skim his backside, that the outcome of Saha’s effort would have been any different? Oh well, credit to them and I don’t begrudge them their money-spinning replay and subsequent drubbing in the return. Magic of the FA Cup? Form book goes out the window? This is their cup final? Battling performance? *gets clubbed to death by the cliché police*

Bolton in zu hausen dans le quatres (perfect European?) it is then, all things being equal. I’ll tell thee what, if we don’t get at least one Wembley trip this year then I’ll eat my hat. How long it's been; Tottenham and our favourite silvery mistress have been separated for far too long, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hopeful of a sweet, sweet reunion in May.

Pav’s Gone: Get Your Violins Out

Nicely done chaps. Most enjoyable in the majority, some fine goals and a tidy victory. Not so impressive was how we mentally disappeared down the tunnel after 80 minutes, and with a little less fortune, might have found ourselves at 3-2 with a fair amount of time to go, but that’s just a minor grumble. Anyone see that tackle from Leds in the first half? Wowzerooney. Also nice to hear the home support, for the first time in my memory, give a heart string tugger of a ‘There’s only one Harry Redknapp’. Harry duly responded by applauding back. I barely heard him utter ‘’stop staring at me’’.

So Pav’s gone. Minutes per goal are misleading in extremis. If minutes per goal were a clear indicator of ability, then Peter Crouch is England’s greatest striker in the post-war era, or at least very close to that accolade. The reality is that more often than not, Pav decided his concrete boots and ‘little trots to make it look like I’m trying’ were the way forward. He reminds me of a guy I met when I was a 15 year old on work experience, who told me to always carry a broom around site to make it look like you were working when you were actually doing the sum total of bu**er all. Why wasn’t he a success? Lack of ability and lack of opportunity? Not a bit of it. Not turning up to training and game day with a burning desire to make himself undropable? A bit closer to the truth, but don’t let your rose tinted ‘misunderstood forrin’ genius’ specs slide down and get in the way of that violin you’re playing ‘Pav’s Lament’ on. Thanks for the memories, Roman. When you decided to turn up, you were a joy, and the goals at Bolton, Young Boys, as well as at home to Liverpool, Fulham and Chelsea will be remembered fondly, and I wish you the best of luck in finding the spark-tak that will unleash that undoubted ability on a regular basis.

I might be in the minority, but Saha has a touch of the ‘Gudjohnson’s’ about him, and I for one welcome his arrival. Still got something to offer on a bit-part basis; mobile, a good finisher, but most importantly, another title winner around the Lodge and on the bench to keep everyone honest in the run in. Between them, Levy and ‘arry haven’t signed too many lemons, and I can’t see Saha being one either. Nelsen? Let’s hope he’s a more reliable back-up than Bass.

PROOF! That Harry Is Still Picking The Team

Just been emailed this little gem. Learlz.