Do You Know Your History?- How Andy, Richard and Rupert Invented Football

L-R Rupert, Richard and Andy

It’s a Sunday afternoon in the late 1980’s. Keys and Gray are watching the Chomley Knickerdraws take on Flangey Hopscotch in a game of thumpbag. The game, spanning the entirety of Hampstead Heath and involving approximately 84 squires per side, had entered it’s 4^th and final day (this is where the term ‘Super Sunday’ comes from) with the scores tied at zero all. Struggling to keep pace with the action, and despite it often being trite, repetitive and downright incorrect, the two friends tirelessly continued to pass comment as the events unfolded. When the game was finally abandoned, following Gentleman Jim Jamtodger being struck down by an errant and seemingly rabid owl, the two chums retired to the ‘Washer and Iron’ for a well earned Light and Bitter to analyse the encounter and swap cutting edge mother-in-law and period gags.

                                                                                           

On the way however, they encountered a vagrant by the name of Rupert who was armed with a gun full of vision and a pocket full of dreams (and acorns) who had overheard the 2 friends and believed their combined powers of ruthless ambition and penchant for puking up thumpbag related trueism’s could make them rich beyond their wildest dreams. Using a series of diagrams drawn onto discarded Ribena cartons (for these were the days when giant iPads were as far fetched as talking robots and female motorists), Rupert outlined his plan to the 2 friends.

First was the radical reinvention of the thumpbag itself. Rather than a collection of broken vinyl records, held together with pomade, blu-tac and the dreams of orphaned children, wrapped in a hessian sack, it would be round, non-pointy and made of cows. The Heath would be abandoned in favour of flatter plains with white markings to control the action, and a limited and equal number of men were to be deployed on each side. They added up their combined charges of domestic violence and the magic number was 11. The crude trenches dug into the ground to represent a ‘thump point’ were replaced with what we now recognise as ‘goals’.

Over the next few years, the three men worked tirelessly on polishing the finer points of the game and gaining funding for their venture. Pivotal in the plan was acquiring the services of a nuclear physicist and a quantum mathematician to devise the offside rule, relayed back to the trio in a way that only the massively superior male brain would be able to fathom, with the frontline duo being the only people on the face of the Earth that categorically know the REAL rules.

And so it came to pass, that in 1992, Sky invented Football.

All was rosy in the Sky Sports garden. Keys and Gray were allowed to carry out their roles without question or reproach, no matter how many inaccuracies they continued to pedal. The public were happy and felt safe with their on screen embarrassing uncle type and token Scotsman, following broadcasting code throughout the nation (Scottich accent = VAST football knowledge).

But cracks had begun to appear. Reneging on their gentleman’s agreement, Rupert began to employ non-male (female) staff. At first it was just a few runners and boom operative’s to give the duo something to look at between compiling lists of ‘clever gamesmen’ and ‘diving cheats’, but in time, there were even women appearing ON CAMERA on the 24hr  Sky Sports News channel. In an attempt to reassert authority over this rebel uprising, they would attempt bonding exercises with younger male counterparts by using the sexual colloquialisms of today’s youth that they’d picked up from various online resources, as well as cutting edge ‘boobless’ calculator sums. They also began to suggest that female ‘colleagues’ were fit only to affix ‘walkey sound box’ to their person before live broadcast, fiendishly undermining their positions even further

The greatest indignation was to come this past weekend, when not only would a female be seen during a live game, but that she would be officiating and making decisions, possibly determining the outcome of the event. Timid male co-workers of Gray, recognising that perhaps this female uprising was a permanent trend and not a passing fad, suggested that the official was quite good. This did not go down well. He was reported to have said:

‘’I don’t care if she’s had years of training at the FA, acquired all the relevant qualifications, officiated at a huge number of league and cup match’s, and is respected by fellow officials, she simply cannot understand the offside rule. I should know, I INVENTED FOOTBALL.’’ *roars skyward*

Keys, for his part in the fateful conversation, has been allowed to continue, for now, but any further mentions of hanging from anything or even a sideways glance at the tea lady and Rupert will personally catapult him back to the Heath from whence he came.

It was a step too far for Gray. His behaviour had become increasingly intolerable and the brotherhood had to be split. He is set to sue, write a book and can now be found on the ‘Loose Women’ sofa for the next 15 years.

So there you have it. A complete history of football to date.