England- Our Starting 11 For The Euro Finals

Internationals then, so what better time to blurt out some poorly thought out rhetoric on what we should be doing with our national game? For the record, I’m one of many Ingerland fans that have become so sick of the hype and farce that consistently plagues our national game that I actively avoid watching. Well, unless it’s on ITV or something, and the only other offering is ‘Kirstie Weaves Tampons From Her Pubes Then Makes A Balls Up Of Baking a Cake and Acts Like It’s The Worst Thing To Happen Since That Earthquake That Killed Loads Of People’. Maybe then I’ll consider giving them a watch… and even then, I find myself happier when the opposition score. So yeah, not a big fan of the England.

However, in an effort to re-engage wiv the narshnal game, I’m going to offer my two pence worth on what, injuries permitting, the team should be to start the first group game next summer. A lot of my theory is based around what a friend of mine said before the England v USA match; our opening group game in the 2010 World Cup if you’ll recall, when there was a big debate over who should get the nod in goal. While most were championing Green or James, he was convinced it should be Joe Hart, based on the fact that we know what the other 2 can offer, and they’re ‘decent’, but Joe Hart had the potential to be a star and take the tournament by storm, a la Paul Gascoigne 1990 if you like. We all know what happened next, and while Hart might have been lucky in hindsight  not to be associated with the ensuing fiasco, he could equally have been the difference between finishing top or second in the group, meaning we avoided the Germans, full of vim and youthful vigour, who tore us apart. We still wouldn’t have won, but perhaps we’d have done a little better? Also, a huge shift in mentality is needed more than anything, so get the ‘golden generation’ out and freshen up the thinking. My other key assumption is that we’re not good enough to win it, but what a perfect opportunity to restore a bit of pride, and lay the foundations for a side that might one day challenge.

A 4-5-1 formation not only makes sense in terms of our personnel, but when you come up against the better sides, none of them will be employing 2 strikers, and possession in the middle is absolutely vital. If we had Shearer and Owen in top form, there’s a case to be made for 2 forwards, but when Darren Bent’s being considered the best option in the absence of Rooney, less is more in this area.

Finally, as Einstein once said, the definition of insanity is: ‘’doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results’’.

So, for what it’s worth, here’s what I reckon:

Goalkeeper- Joe Hart, Man City. Pretty obvious. He’s not just the only realistic option… Actually, that’s exactly what he is. No debate.

Right Back- Kylie Walker, Totteringhams. A little defensively naïve? Perhaps, but, ya know, whatever. He’s great at bombing on. With the role of the full back having developed into that of an auxiliary winger at the highest level, a season at Spurs under his belt should prepare him nicely for this role in the white of England. Plus, I’ll be putting a couple of defensive midfielders in so he’ll be covered. Don’t worry about it.

Centre Backs- Phil Jones and Chris Smalling, Man U. They’re young, and they’re really good. If they’re good enough as the future of United, they’re good enough for this tournament. Also means the repugnant dog Terry won’t be seen in an England shirt again, a good 80% of the reason I can’t bring myself to support the current lot.

Left back- Ashley Cole, Chelski. Yes, he’s a deeply unpleasant human being as well, and features somewhere in the remaining 20% of reasons to dislike the current side, but he’s a brilliant left back, of that there can be little argument. Perhaps with a little more responsibility keeping the rest of them in order, knowing this could be his final hurrah, he could come back a national hero without wasting money on Max Clifford’s services.

Defensive Midfielder 1- Jack Wilshere, The Goonies. *shudder* Can’t bring myself to eulogise too much but tenacity, ability to push on, clever ‘recycling’ of possession… Unfortunately, he’s just really good at football and could play this role for years to come *chokes on own vomit*. Besides, he’ll be helped through by the magnificent…

Defensive Midfielder 2 and CAPTAIN- Lord Scott Parker aka Captain Combover of Hotspurshire. He’s 30 with about 4 caps, but we all know that’s not the full story. He’s everything that the England team should embody- hard working, honest, family man, clean cut, black boots, no-nonsense tackling, lion hearted, with total commitment to the shirt. Without wanting to slip too deeply into Harry parody, if this guy was the figurehead of the side, wouldn’t it make getting behind this lot a far more pleasant experience? A slight bias perhaps, but if he replicates his club form in the summer, I defy any football fan not to fall in love. He does have REALLY nice hair as well.

Right (not wing) Midfield- Ashley Young, Man U. Predominantly left-sided perhaps, but such a good, clever player that we can use him here. I was tempted to put Beckham in (no foolies), what with him probably still being the most technically gifted English player about, but I’m going for slight-tongue-in-cheek, and that might just take me into the realms of full on parody.

Left (not wing) Midfield- Adam Johnson, Man C. Young, fast and good at football. Let him at ‘em. If Beckham plays (I’m talking myself into this), play Young here.

Free role behind the lone forward- Stevie Gerrard, Liverpiddle. Hang on, what was that you were saying about the golden generation being tinned? Hear me out, we’re in baby and bathwater territory now. Unlike all of the others, Gerrard has never performed to his very best at international level. He's threatened to ‘do it’ on a number of occasions, but never quite made it, and one theory is that it’s the result of him constantly being dropped behind 2 forwards. He’s not disciplined enough to play right, left or centre, and ‘do a job’, but that doesn’t make him a bad player- just an enigma, and this solves it. The best period of his career, arguably, was playing a support/free role for a livewire forward, Torres, and this boy is too talented to not be given a fair crack at being the attacking fulcrum of what will be a brave young side.

One up top- Daniel Sturridge, Chelski. We’ve tried Defoe, Bent, Crouch and a cavalcade of others, and while they’ll fairly point to goals-per-games, top-level experience and all that jazz, they’ve had enough time to prove conclusively that they’re just not that great. Not bad, but they don’t have that something special that separates the Darren Bent’s from the David Villa’s of this world. Sturridge just might. He's super raw, but has already displayed enough of that magic to warrant a go in this fantasy fledgling side.

As for the rest of the squad, while I’m theoretically tempted to leave out Rooney, what with him being an interminable twit and all, if I was Fabio, faced with this real life decision, there’s no way I could leave him behind… but if Sturridge does the business, ol’ pluggy can sit it out. Cahill, Richards, Gibbs, (Ledley?), Ferdinand as defensive cover, Milner, Agbonlahor, Rodwell and Wellbeck  thrown in? Andy Carroll? I dunno, hadn’t thought this far ahead and frankly, I'm already out of my depth.

Expect to see Lampard, Barry and Terry all starting.

But what do you think?