Maybe the next leap will be the leap home. Editors notes in Italics
*Kaleidoscopic whoosh through the universe*
Our hero finds himself in a bull ring in Madrid. Credits roll. *Producer Abigail Liquorice* We can tell it’s Spain because there are lots of Spanish flags everywhere, and nobody working in the afternoon. *Executive Producer Calculator Seaman* A small child with a moustache holds up an ‘I *heart* Madrid’ sign to narrow down the geographical location.*Directed by Alan Whore*
‘’What’s this red cloth doing in my hands? And why do I have this funny coat on?’’
Daniel looks up and see’s a bull charging at him.
‘’Yikes, time for me to get outta (out of) here’’
Daniel, surprisingly fleet of foot, throws down the cloth and performs miraculous somersaults to escape the charging bull and manages to escape over safety hoardings, made mostly of straw and the shattered dreams of orphans, to great boos from the crowd.
‘’Glad I didn’t get the horn’’ Daniel remarks, hoping Andre is around to hear it. Turns out it doesn’t really make much sense and isn’t particularly funny.
‘’I heard it boss’’ says Andre, appearing from behind a parked tricycle, no hint of a smile.
‘’Oh there you are Andre. Sorry, not much good with double entendres’’
‘’How about ‘I really lost my rag’? You know, because you threw the cloth away’’.
‘’Bit shit though’’
‘’True enough. Anyway, the Handlink has been synched to twitter. According to this, @AgentSeatSniffer has you in Madrid for the next 17 minutes to get the Modric deal completed’’
‘’Fuck me!’’- Daniel is not averse to swearing. Also, he doesn’t have to worry about getting in trouble with NewsNow for swearing. Because he’s a rebel.
‘’To The Bernebau quick-smart. We’ll get the deal finished for Modric, then I can tell all of the ITK’s who I know personally so that the full and accurate account of all our dealings are reported’’, quips the confusingly handsome Andre.
*cuts to Bernebau boardroom with about 10 blokes who all look like Rafa Benitez*
‘So it’s agreed then’, sighs Daniel, ‘We’ll take £35 million, you can report it at £30m to make it sound like you’ve got a bargain, and we’ll report it at £40m to make it sound like we haven’t been rolled over by Johnny Foreigner’ Daniel now has a hint of annoyance in his voice; this is at least his 14th leap to Madrid. He senses that it won’t be his last.
‘There was just one more thing…’ says Rafa Benitez #4 ‘I was speaking to Rafa #7 about the installments’
‘Installments!’ Booms Daniel. Andre turns away, such is his chairman’s wrath. But before things can escalate, Daniel is discombobulated (check meaning!) in a shower of low budget spikey light shards, as he and Andre are transported to…
*Kaleidoscopic whoosh through the universe*
Our hero finds himself thrust into a compromising position with the FC Porto chief transfer negotiators wife in the groundmans wash room, covered in ham.
‘’Woh’’ says Daniel, but as the title music begins, the 30 second montage of him completing deals for Kaka, Benzema and Patrick Kluivert presumes enough time to have elapsed for the whole misunderstanding to be put to put to rest.
Daniel and chief negotiator shake hands while opening credits roll *producer Aristotle Shoepolish*, sweeping the whole wife/bathroom/ham affair under the carpet with a firm handshake. *Executive producer Cornelius Gelatine*Mrs Negotiator goes and has tea with Eusebio and his wife (or something). *Directed by Tim Shit*
‘’Are we FINALLY getting my Mouty Call’’ asks Andre, appearing from behind a used apricot.
‘’Don’t call him that, it sounds well weird. I prefer it when you talk about his dimensions, although I have to say that doesn’t sit too comfortably either. How come we had to leap, we were just about to close the deal with Madrid for Modric!? Again!’’ Daniel is VERY flangey at this point
‘’It’s syncing the handlink to twitter that’s done it. @AgentWebTrawler has you in Porto finalising the deal for Moutinho. We’ve only got another 11 minutes before the next leap, so let’s get it done’’
‘’Agreed’’
*cuts to boardroom with chief negotiator and Chairman Pablo Untrustworthio*
‘’So Monsieur Untrustworthio (check language), despite the fact that you are a chairman much like myself, and you want the best deal for your player, I’m afraid I’ve been shouted at in block capitals over twitter about not signing anybody, so let’s get this done at £20m and say no more about it’’
‘’No, I think Moutinho is worth £25m. There’s still some work to do’’ Chairman and negotiator twiddle the ends of their moustaches mischievously and rearrage their sombreros (check cultural relevance)
‘’I don’t think you’re quite getting this mate/bruv’’ Dropping Ray Winstone impressions into negotiations is a tactic often employed to bamboozle rival chairman and transfer negotiators ‘’@BiggestSpursFanEver has just tweeted saying, and I quote, ‘’FFS LEVY! JUST GO AND SIGN A GOALKEEPER/ DEFENDER/ MIDFIELDER/FORWARD’’
‘’I understand, but…’’ attempts by the chief negotiator to break Daniel off while he meticulously scours fan tweets (at least 90% of his working day) does not go down well.
‘’HASHTAG COYS HASHTAG INLEVYITRUST HASHTAG GETITFACKINDONEYOUTIGHTTWAT. I am going to stand here belligerently shouting, crying and throwing money about until this is done.’’
‘’Erm, boss’’ chirps Andre, looking worriedly down at the Handlink
‘’Not now, I’ve got these guys on the rack. Just watch and learn. This is how a master negotiator rolls’’
‘’But boss, @AgentScrote has you in Abu Dhabi in 3,2, 1’’
*Kaleidoscopic whoosh through the universe*
To be continued…
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