Sports Journo 1: So what Tottenham talk have we got today?
Sports Journo 2: Hmmmm, some stuff about Alan Hutton being a bit violent and ‘arry getting the ‘ump about it.
SJ1: Boring. Any transfer stuff? We’re going to need something big for this Sundays edition, even if it’s cobblers.
SJ2: Well I haven’t heard anything, and I’m not going to pluck some nonsense out of thin air just to flog a couple of papers. I have some integrity you know…
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Both: Hahahahahahaha.
SJ1: Nice one. But seriously, if there’s no Tottenham talk flying around, there’s only one thing to do.
SJ2: ?
SJ1: Consult the THFC transfer table.
SJ2: Not sure I’ve seen it. Gis a look.
Performance | Rumour | Value GBP |
1 good game in | Linked to the opposition | £10-20m |
2 or more good games in | Link with Real or Barca | £35-£50m |
3 good games in PL | Report old 'top 4' are 'sniffing around' | £5-50m |
5 good games in PL | Report old 'top 4' are 'preparing a bid' | £5-50m |
3 months or more of good games in PL | Man U will bid in the summer | £30-50m |
SJ1: Ah, where would we be without the THFC transfer table. Any time you’re stuck, just get this little puppy out and you’ll be golden.
SJ2: I dunno, those values are pretty variable. I mean, 5-50 mill for 5 good PL games. Seems a bit open to interpretation.
SJ1: Oh come on, you don’t think we’d leave anything to chance do you? It’s very simple. You need to reference each performance against age, speed and Britishness of the player.
SJ2: Example
SJ1: OK, if he’s slow, link him to an Italian club. Doesn’t matter which one. Juve, AC, Inter, Roma. They all sound exotic and believable. If he’s fast, link him to Spain or Man U.
SJ2: But what about Bale, he was linked to Inter and he’s fast?
SJ1: A variable. He has recent association with them, therefore they are obliged to be thrown into the equation.
SJ2: OK, I think I get it. So Sandro for example had one good game against AC, he’s not the quickest, but he’s young so I’d put him at about £15m. How did we come up with £10million?
SJ1: You forgot about the ‘Britishness’ factor. Not British so instantly knocks a third off his value.
SJ2: Wow, it covers everything. Give me one I can do on my own.
SJ1: OK, how about Luka Modric.
SJ2: Ooooh, tricky. OK, He’s been consistently good in the PL, he’s been good in Europe , and he’s young, so that instantly means I can only link him to Man U, Barca or Real. He’s not that fast, but he moves it so quickly, it’s like he’s faster than he really is. You’ve got to go for £50 million… But he’s not British so knock off a third and it’s £33ish… but I’m going to round up to £35 because he’s been here a few years so he’s built up a bit of Britishness by association.
SJ1: You’re getting the hang of this, £35 million seems reasonable but in order to make it a proper transfer rumour, we’ll need to narrow down the club. Who do you reckon?
SJ2: Hmmm, I’ll have to go with Man U.
SJ1: Good. Why?
SJ2: Just because they’ve got previous with Tottenham. Carrick, Berbatov. Plus he’s got PL experience and ol’ rednose loves a player who’s done an apprenticeship at Spurs… but I’m going to say that Barca and Real are interested in case he ends up there, then I can say ‘I told you so’ if he goes there. If I’m wrong, it’s not like I’m going to get pulled up on it!
SJ1: Correct. Now we need some quotes.
SJ2: God, this is HARD! I don’t have any contacts at Tottenham or Man U.
SJ1: I don’t have any either, but it doesn’t mean we don’t have any sources.
SJ2: I don’t follow.
SJ1: *taps head* Here are my sources.
SJ2: OK, so we say that Fergie told us he’s after Modric?
SJ1: Christ no, do you want to get sued to buggery?! No, no, you go with the old classic ‘a source at the club’ OR ‘a source close to the player’. This works in 2 ways. 1) you make it sound like you’re well connected, and 2) you wind up both clubs who look internally to find out who might have spoken to us, and before you know it, you’ve got an angry denial or ‘hands off’ in a press conference and POW, it just got real up in dis bitch.
SJ2: Brilliant! But wouldn’t it be better for both clubs to just maintain a dignified silence. You know, if they ignore it then it’ll go away?
SJ1: It’s a good theory, but you have to remember that as soon as the fans see this on a Sunday morning, the fiendish way we’ve constructed the story with the solid fee, logical buying club AND quotes, they go loopy and instantly start tweeting and facebooking, coating off their own club for lack of ambition and assuming that this WILL happen. This in turn forces ‘Arry to come out and say things like ‘I wouldn’t sell him for 100 million’.
SJ2: But he wouldn’t, would he?
SJ1: Probably not, Tottenham are well run on a sound financial footing, and Man U have got a mountain of debt, but him actually saying ‘100 million’ has just written another headline for us. The fans want to know more so continue to buy our papers where we drip feed them more quotes, and before you know it, you’ve got a ‘transfer saga’.
SJ2:That is brilliant. Oooh, look at the time, we’ve only got 4 hours to get this written up.
SJ1: Bollocks, I’m off to the pub, it’ll only take 10 minutes. You coming?…
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