10 Reasons Why We’ll Beat Real Madrid

Two camps for tonight. The one where I’m firmly entrenched is preaching that we’ve not got a prayer of getting 5 goals without conceding against a team that handed us a thorough tonking last time out. We could have 20 men out there and I still can’t see us scoring enough to progress. The other camp, where a work colleague of mine is currently based, is UTTERLY CONVINCED we are going to pull off the biggest result of all time and progress. He will be genuinely gutted when this doesn’t happen.

But enough of all the negativity; you’re here for fun, sunshine and rainbows, and where would we as supporters of the most glory glory of all the glory glory clubs be without a bit of blind optimism, and faith in the impossible. So here’s why we’re going to do it.

1) Central defender Pepe is suspended after picking up a yellow card in the home game. This will spread untold confusion among Real Madrid’s entire back line and they will almost certainly ship lots of goals.

2) Tactically, they are in limbo. They won’t want to sit deep and invite us onto them with Bale and Lennon on each side, but will be nervous about heading forward, lest they get exposed by said pace merchants. The level of tactical confusion will send them into meltdown and cause them to concede a couple before the break. They will then become even more confused and they will almost certainly ship lots of goals in the second half as well.

3) Di Maria, Albiol, Carvalho, Ramos and Ronaldo are all carrying yellow cards and in danger of missing the semi-final 1^st leg against their fierce rivals, Barcelona. In a game they feel they’ve already won, none of them will want to pick up a card and endanger their chances of being part of this Euro super-clash. As a result, they will hesitate to make tackles and do things they normally would as part of their game, which will send this contingent, and by association every one of their team mates, into a whirlwind of confusion and they will almost certainly ship lots of goals.

4) White Hart Lane will be rocking, and I mean ROCKING. The Spanish powder puffs, unaccustomed to the claustrophobic surroundings of our famous old home and not wanting to get their shirts dirty, will crumble like breadsticks before the mighty roar of the crowd. They will melt like lollies in the London sunshine and will almost certainly ship lots of goals.

They are true professionals lead by an experienced European campaigner. There is no chance any melting or shipping on a grand scale will occur

5) Crouch suspended. As much as I love Peter, and as hard as he is to deal with in Europe, our change of tactics will have their heads SPINNING. ‘What? They’re playing it down the side in wave after wave of intent-filled attacking and not just looking for the big man with others backing him up?’, ‘passing into the feet of the forward, what in the name of all that’s good and holy are they playing at?’, will be the cries of the bamboozled Real Madrid players. They will not be able to handle this, go into meltdown and almost certainly ship lots of goals.

6) The dual-fuellers. Bal-non, the mythical two-headed demon hell beast will be unleashed and told to attack, attack, attack. No defensive duties you, freakish attacking phenomenon, over-the-top and don’t look back. In the first leg, Ramos and Marcelo were given the easiest of rides, but it’ll be an entirely different prospect for them tonight. They will, of course, suffer meltdown in the face of such relentless speed and trickery and ship lots of goals.

7) Tommy’s back! With him spraying pass after pass out wide and through the middle for Rafa, Mods and Pav (probably), there will be no need for a DM. Tommy can do it all. ‘Who is this giant of a man; the body of a heavyweight with a touch softer than an overcooked potatas bravas?’ they will all cry. The whirlwind of confusion will lead to another meltdown and yet more goals being shipped.

8) Kaboul will play. Whether it be at centre back for the struggling Gallas, or at RB to provide a greater attacking threat than Charlie, his Royal YouTubeness will play. Lennon AND the Raging Kaboul storming up the right, Younes in the box for set-pieces. Melting and shipping all over the place.

9) There has been plenty of spilling and not enough thrilling in this tie and we’re due some thrills. Our Champions League campaign, before we found all that boring discipline against AC Milan, was all about giving it a good go and playing without fear, which our performance at the Bernebau reeked of. Even if it’s only for a small 5 minute window, our chaps will have us crowing and thinking maybe, just maybe, the impossible dream is alive.

10) Erm, we’ll be playing in white and they won’t. ‘What sort of Hitchcockian, double-bluff, red herring, pseudo nightmare have we found ourselves embroiled in?’, they will all shout; confusion and panic spreading like wildfire through their unfamiliarly coloured ranks. The outcome is inevitable.

Tottenham 6 RM 1. Because you know we don't keep clean sheets.