Hotspur High End of Term Report: The Strikers

Where to begin with this lot? Not so much 4-4-2 or 4-5-1, as yep-yep-bleurgh this year, as this feckless lot have continued to disappoint. Blackpool away was a good example of decent strikers missing a lot of chances. The rest of the season is testament to their lack of intelligence in even getting into positions they’d almost certainly miss from anyway. Not that they’re entirely to blame for missing out on the top 4 of course, but it’s hard to imagine a less fruitful bunch of bananas.

Robbie Keane

I got into WHL early for our game against West Brom. As a result, I was privy to a bit more of the pre-match jumbotron build-up than the usual ‘quick dash from the juicer in time to catch the starting line-ups’. They were showing highlights from I’m not sure when; 02/03 I think, when we apparently done the double over West Brom, including a 3-2 (again, I think) victory at home where there was a lad in a Tottenham shirt running about, full of vim and brash confidence, bashing the goals in for fun. It’s a shame that I had no recollection of this Robbie Keane. I saw a banner at White Hart Lane saying ‘come back agent Keane, your work is done’ once the Spammers relegation was confirmed. An object of whimsy, but one would have to suspend belief that he had either the mental capacity to handle such a mission, or that he was faking his own rubbishness in order for it to work as a legitimate gag. He doesn’t, he wasn’t and it fell flat. Well done Robbie, you had the chance to prove you were still able to do a job in the Premier League and that there was life in the old dog yet. You just ended up looking like an old dog.

Verdict. Please go away forever.

Jermain Defoe

I don’t understand it! Jermain comes in to training EVERY DAY, and then despite not scoring a goal in almost a full calendar year, he isn’t automatically put in the starting eleven! I just can’t f***in' fathom it! I’m as confused as you Jermain. Born offside and shredded my last nerve this season. If he was ever going to be any good or do anything special in the game, he’d have done it by now, or at least shown signs of threatening to be very close to it. Another example of a player who felt like they ‘made it’ when they came to Tottenham and subsequently coasted by on 'instinct'. At best, he’s a little bit thick. At worst, the personification of the winning mentality retardation classically rife throughout the Lodge. For the right mentality, Modders and Sandro, for example, have ‘it’. Jermain has ‘not it’.

Verdict. Jermain Defoe would be wise to stay out of Mr Levy’s garden.

Peter Crouch

I like Peter, I really do. I get the impression that he’s quite a bright chap, and have always found his pre/post match comments to be generally well thought out and considered. As for the on pitch stuff, his performance away at AC Milan was near perfect- patient, strong, disciplined and a thoroughly deserved winning goal to boot. His performance at Real Madrid when we needed all those qualities and more was devastating. In the middle of all that are a lot of rather same-ey performances in the Premier League. Having a forward who can’t shoot for toffee needs to have something pretty special in their armoury to justify their place in the side, and while ‘special’ is rather ambiguous, he justifies his place in the squad, if not the starting eleven.

He’s committed, generally intelligent with his movement, a help in his own defence and always demands attention in the oppositions. For the amount of money you could hope to recoup versus his potential usefulness from the bench, I’d keep him.

Verdict. The only one of this lot you could guarantee a shift from. Europa League line leader and Premier League odd-job man.

Roman Pavlyuchenko

Some might say the decision of whether to keep Pav or not was made all the more difficult following his performance against Birmingham. I'd argue that it's exactly the reason that he needs to be replaced. I'll say this now- he is the best striker at the club by a long way. On his day, hands down the cleverest, sharpest and most gifted of all of them. It might not be saying much, given his peers, but I'd also argue that at his best, he's one of the best in the league. But therein lays the problem. For every half of football that he had against Birmingham, there are 10 games where he's off the pace, hopelessly sloppy and wanders around like a spooked kitten on bonfire night. Having watched him a lot, I don't buy the myth that he's simply lazy. His movement into the channels and willingness to find a bit of space are generally very good, but with Pav, you only ever need to see his first couple of touches to know whether he's going to have a good game or a bad one. I remember Hiddink, when he was in charge of Russia, saying that he only needed to look Pav in the eye on the morning of the game to know if he was up for it or not. Even Harry, after Pav's brace at the weekend said that he's been watching a couple of forwards in France, and that none of them looked as good as Pav did on Sunday. You can bet your bottom dollar that he wanted to add something along the lines of 'but on other days I see lads down Hackney Marshes that would blow him out of the water'. I know you were thinking it, Harry. You'd have been right as well.

Verdict: 10% inspiration, 90% being mentally capable enough to engage 'game face' on every match day. I'm afraid 10% isn't enough to justify a place in a squad that's being slowly built around a 4-5-1.