Ten Reasons Why Spurs Will Beat The Woolwich Wanderers on Sunday

1)      Better players.

2)      Better form.

3)      A greater sense of belief and purpose.

4)      It’s not like we’re playing someone with any sort of clue, like Stevenage. It’s the Woolwich Wanderers for gawd sake. Did you see them against AC Milan? The same team we betrayed our principles (Lol-sickles) to outplay and beat last year, so how bad must they be?

5)      We’ve got VASTLY more attractive players. Gareth has such a pleasant face and lovely hair, and has anyone seen Niko recently? Dreamboat! Sagna, Gervinho, Wilshere? Shipwreck. At least we’re spared Jack fat-tongue and his incessant lolling. I mean, honestly, what does it say of our quest for a greater quality of visual entertainment when we’re being force fed images of these orc’s? No wonder that frenchman’s depressed. I’d be pretty hacked off if I had to come into training every day to be faced by team after team of ugly, ugly, footballers. You can have Bentley back if you like. He’s not much of a player but his grooming regime is faultless.

6)      Any Wanderer you speak to has this down as a ‘save our season’, or at least ‘pivotal’. Hear that? It’s the sound of straws being frantically grasped.

7)      Their vocal support. They make a right din in that place, I tell you. Bloody deafening. Eboue, Arshavin and Chamakh can all testify to the noise they make. They’ll give you the booing of a lifetime and make no mistake. Where’s that booing coming from? Lego block Stand? That one with the heated seats and a clock? Upper tier? Lower? Oh man, it’s so loud, the boo’s are everywhere! But wait; is that the sound of some support breaking out?

No.

No, it isn’t.

Never.

8)      Our water bottle management is significantly more impressive. Day one at Spurs Lodge:

Item 1: Welcome to Spurs

Item 2: Always screw your caps back on to your water bottle, post-hydration, lest you look like a massive tit box should you ever need to throw it down in anger.

Item 3: NEVER mess with Sandro.

9)      We have Sandro. Even if he’s not fit, and even if we somehow manage to conjure up defeat, he’ll roundhouse kick the scoreboard into submission until it posts a huge Spurs victory. After it’s humiliating pummelling, the scoreboard will then cry electronic tears all over the crowd, and all the wanderers will drown in cyber water, while Sandro’s body hair woven life raft will safely float all Spursers home to beautiful, beautiful N17 (aka Eden). Either way, victory is certain.

SANDRO IS HARDER THAN EVERYONE

10)  While we’re discussing which of Europe’s finest will be joining our playing and management staff this summer, they’re running blogs on whether Francis Coquellin is an adequate replacement for Kieran Gibbs, and let’s not forget the hard-hitting PAT RICE: SPECS OR CONTACTS? YOU DECIDE.

      11) We’re much cleverer.